


head in the stars

by admlynch



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate first kiss, First Kiss, M/M, basically i'm having some feelings about a girl i like so i gave the feelings to adam and ronan, blue lily lily blue era canon, ur welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/admlynch/pseuds/admlynch
Summary: “I know you like me.”  It was out in the air between them before he could change his mind, or take it back. It was too late to fumble and correct himself, and too early to apologize for assuming. Adam could feel the back of his neck, and the tips of his ears, turning red. Ronan’s expression was complicated, but he did not correct Adamor: three times ronan talked about his feelings, and one time adam talked about his.





	

_ please do not hurt me, love, _

_ i am a fragile one, and you are the light in my eyes _

 

\-- keaton henson, 10 am gare du nord

_ i.) _

 

Sitting in the back seat of the pig was not ideal for Ronan, especially when all five of them were crammed into the camaro together- Blue in the front seat, Adam flush against his side, and Noah staring out the window. He could feel the warmth of Adam’s arm pressed against his, even as Adam’s head lolled to the side in sleep. Ronan couldn’t blame him- he knew Adam caught sleep wherever he could- in between shifts at the garage and the factory, during free periods at school, in long car rides on the way back from fruitless glendower-related missions….

 

But it didn’t make it any easier. For awhile now, he’d contemplated the restless feeling under his skin when he looked at Adam- and had only recently come to acknowledge it for what it was. Affection was not quite right, and although there was that- it was something more. There was attraction, too, but that still wasn’t what he’d call it- too thoughtless and impersonal to pertain to Adam. It was a deep  _ want  _ somewhere in the caverns of his chest, a longing he wasn’t ready to name. 

 

So sitting here in the car, close enough that he could smell the gasoline and cheap soap that clung to Adam’s frame, was nearly painful. A strange, starved part of Ronan wanted to lean over and kiss his shoulder, but there was no way for that gesture to go unnoticed, so he crossed his arms and tried to relax. He was still too aware of Adam’s warm body, close and unwavering. In his sleep, Adam shifted, resting his head on Ronan’s shoulder. 

 

They pulled into the parking lot at monmouth, and Blue let out an exasperated sigh. “Finally,” she opened the door, almost while the vehicle was still moving, and scrambled out. “I don’t know what possessed you to drive all the way to albemarle county for a special rock, but I’m done sitting in this car.” 

 

Gansey grimaced guiltily and twisted around to look at his friends in the backseat. “If I’d known the drive was that long I wouldn’t have brought everyone.” He said apologetically, but Noah had already disappeared to wherever it was Noah went, and Blue had shut the door to the camaro with a loud slamming noise. 

 

“You gonna go after her?” Ronan said, jerking his chin towards Blue, who had already started climbing the steps into monmouth. Gansey eyed her in a watchful sort of way, head tilted, mouth open like he was going to say something-“I’ll wake up Parrish.” Ronan offered, and Gansey just nodded- obviously watching Blue the same way he watched television programs on welsh history, full of rapt interest. 

 

Ronan fought not to roll his eyes as Gansey climbed out of the camaro- how his friend thought he was being subtle, Ronan didn’t know. He turned towards the sleeping Adam, still pressed against him despite Noah’s absence. 

 

“Parrish.” He said, gently shaking Adam’s shoulder. “Come back to the real world, shithead.” Adam groaned and shifted even closer into Ronan’s side- obviously, he’d really needed the sleep, so Ronan couldn’t quite bring himself to shove the other boy off him. “Come on.” He said, snapping his fingers by Adam’s hearing ear. “Wake up.” 

 

Somehow, the snapping startled Adam, and his eyes flew open- wide and blue. “Wha-?” He started, but Ronan interrupted him. 

 

“You fell asleep on the way back from Gansey’s quest for the perfect rock.” 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“You didn’t miss anything,” Ronan added. “Just Dick and Jane arguing back and forth over whether they should stop for ice cream or not. We didn’t get any.” 

 

“I fell asleep on you.” Adam said- he still seemed muddled from his nap, and his dusty brown hair was sticking up at odd angles. 

 

“Yeah.” Ronan said. “I hear I make a nice pillow.” 

 

“You let me fall asleep on you.” 

 

“I know.” He feigned nonchalance. “What of it, Parrish, I thought we’d been over this? You just fell asleep on the way back.” 

 

“Why’d you let me?” 

 

To hear Adam ask that almost upset Ronan, and at least annoyed him- because at this point, he knew Adam had noticed his gifts, his lingering glances. It should’ve been obvious why he let Adam fall asleep on him. It  _ was _ obvious. 

 

“You know why.” Ronan said brusquely, and then added. “Plus, you look like shit. You could use the sleep.” 

 

_ ii.)  _

 

In an abstract sort of way, Adam knew that Ronan liked him. The giveaway was when he looked at Ronan, Ronan looked away- like he’d been caught in the act of doing something indecent. Maybe he had been. He didn’t think a crush was indecent, but maybe Ronan did, considering his catholic upbringing. It didn’t really matter, because they didn’t really talk about it- aside from their short conversation in the car, which barely alluded to Ronan’s feelings. 

 

Sometimes he thought he was imagining it, that it was all just vanity- that Ronan didn’t look at him any differently than he looked at Gansey or Blue or Noah. But then there was the hand lotion, and the mix tape, and the blanket he’d found on his bed a month ago that always stayed warm and clean, even though he hadn’t washed it since. There was no proof it was a dream object, but what else could it be? It had that same strange, comforting scent of mist and moss- but lighter, like it was some sort of magical dream laundry detergent. 

 

Adam didn’t know what to make of it. The idea that someone like Ronan- fearsome, lovely, strange, Ronan, could want him-was unfathomable. When he looked at himself, he only saw sunken eyes and fragile hands, the illusion of greenery reflected in the mirror, trying to heal him. He wasn’t sure he knew how to heal, or how accept that Ronan wanted him, that it wasn’t a game or a prank or a lie. It was real, and it was terrifying. 

 

He didn’t know how to broach the topic, and as their hunt for glendower became more and more desperate, he ended up spending more time alone with Ronan- looking for rocks and vines to heal the ley line, or working together at The Barns to wake the sleeping dream creatures. Everywhere, Ronan’s pale blue eyes followed him, gaze heavy at some moments, and tender at others.  _ Tender.  _ Ronan Lynch, displaying tenderness. 

 

“You know I know, right?” Adam tried to say it casually. They were in the kitchen at The Barns, Ronan had woken from a fitful dream with nothing but scraps of blue ribbon clasped in his hands, and then decided he needed to eat. So there they were, snacking on stale cookies and drinking green tea with excessive amounts of honey in it- there wasn’t much food in the barns, because Ronan still hadn’t permanently moved in again. 

 

“Know what, Parrish?” Ronan had a decidedly irritable expression on his face, and was feeding more of his cookie to Chainsaw than himself. 

 

Adam suddenly lost his nerve. He wanted to say: “ _ I know that you like me, but I don’t understand it. Why me, of all people? When you could have anyone, why me _ ?” Instead, he just shrugged, and looked down into his mug of tea instead of meeting Ronan’s gaze. 

 

“Come on.” Ronan said. “What do you know, oh powerful  _ magician. _ ” The way Ronan spoke, sarcastic and sincere at the same time- gave Adam an unexpected surge of warmth. 

 

“I know you like me.” 

 

It was out in the air between them before he could change his mind, or take it back. It was too late to fumble and correct himself, and too early to apologize for assuming. Adam could feel the back of his neck, and the tips of his ears, turning red. Ronan’s expression was complicated, but he did not correct Adam, and proceeded to shoo Chainsaw off his shoulder. 

 

Eventually, he spoke. “I know you know.” 

 

“ _ Now  _ you know I know.” 

 

“I knew before.” Ronan said. “I’m not exactly subtle, and neither are you.” 

 

Adam felt himself flushing even further at that. “So why haven’t you said anything about it? Why haven’t you tried to change it?” 

 

“Because,” Ronan said- sounding abruptly frustrated. “It’s not my decision to make- whether it changes or not. I know how I feel, but it’s not about that.” 

 

Ronan didn’t have to say it- Adam heard the message loud and clear.  _ It’s not about that _ , he said, and then, there was the implied ending: It’s about  _ you _ . He knew, then, that Ronan wouldn’t act like anything had changed unless Adam wanted him to. He probably wouldn’t stop staring, or leaving gifts- but he wouldn’t go any further than that unless Adam initiated it. Unless Adam  _ wanted  _ that. 

 

“Okay.” Adam said, and that was all.

 

_ iii.)  _

 

They didn’t talk about it, at least not often- because Ronan wasn’t about to bring it up, and Adam seemed to be mulling it all over in his head. That was fine- it meant nothing had to change and Ronan could pay more attention to the back of Adam’s head than their classes without feeling guilty. If Adam had at all seemed uncomfortable, it would probably be different, but it seemed that he remained completely unaffected by Ronan’s crush in almost every way. 

 

It was a relief, to know that Adam knew and he didn’t hate Ronan for it. That he could still show up at Adam’s shitty little apartment after midnight mass and crash on the floor next to his bed. Things didn’t have to turn into a complicated shit storm, like they always did on TV or in movies. Things could stay the same as the always did, as simple and uncomplicated as things could get, when you were tied to the ley line. 

 

So Ronan continued to show up at the garage towards the end of Adam’s shift, continued to leave dirty, handwritten jokes in latin on scraps of paper at Adam’s apartment, content to remain patient until Adam came to a decision, if he ever came to one at all. There were times where he wanted to kiss Adam so badly it almost hurt, times where he dreamt of things he wouldn’t dare to think of in his waking hours, times where his resolve nearly crumbled. 

 

But if there was one thing Ronan Lynch was, it was stubborn. He would stay true to his word- or at least, the implication of his word. He did not cross any lines with Adam, although he often felt as if he was teetering at the edge of one- they both were. In every glance that lasted a beat too long, in every simple touch- they were playing with fire. 

 

“What are you thinking about?” Adam mumbled one night- neither of them could sleep, and by now, Ronan had migrated off the floor and onto the edge of Adam’s bed. 

 

He saw no point in lying, especially now that Adam knew about his feelings. “You.” 

 

Normally, Ronan knew, Adam would not laugh, but he did then- delirious in his exhaustion after a long shift- it was a soft laugh, unselfconscious, and gentle. “You don’t waste any time.” 

 

“Shut up, Parrish.” He could feel his cheeks burning, and hoped that Adam couldn’t tell in the dark. 

 

“How?” Adam asked. He was so tired, he’d let his accent slip into conversation. “Thinkin’ of me how?” 

 

“God, would you leave it alone?” Ronan was scowling, but he couldn’t quite make out Adam’s face. “It’s not like you need all the nitty-gritty details.” 

 

“So the details are nitty gritty?”

 

“Jesus, Parrish, get your mind out of the gutter.” 

 

Adam did not. “So what, you’re thinkin’ about…” He trailed off, implying something suggestive that Ronan wouldn’t entertain the possibility of. 

 

Ronan groaned “ _ Stop _ .” 

 

“I’ll stop if you tell me.” 

 

Ronan covered his face with his hands and muttered a “Kissing doesn’t count as stuff.” He could barely believe he’d said it, but they’d both reached that point in the night where they might as well have been drunk. He’d gotten to Adam’s around midnight, and had no almost no idea how much time had passed- but he hadn’t slept the night before, either. It was a fearful equation that ended in this conversation, which Ronan couldn’t possibly have imagined upon entering the apartment. 

 

“So are you thinking about kissing me or do you just  _ want _ to?” 

 

“Go the fuck to sleep, Adam.” 

 

_ iv.) _

 

Adam could not stop thinking about it. Since Ronan had said “ _ Kissing doesn’t count as stuff. _ ” The idea was stuck in his head, kissing, but kissing Ronan in particular. Adam had not kissed anyone in his life, but like anyone experiencing a childhood on the planet earth- he’d seen all sorts of kisses in his life. The stilted peck his mother pressed to his father’s lips, the faux-passionate kiss of the movies (set to dramatic music swelling in the background), desperate teenagers shoving each other’s tongue’s down their throats over the hood of a car, or in an empty stairwell. 

 

Somehow, when he tried to think about kissing Ronan, it was a foreign concept. Adam had never seen a boy kissing another boy, and could hardly imagine Ronan kissing anyone with his cruel mouth, so sharp it would probably draw blood. That was part of Ronan, and at first, Adam had thought it was all of him, when in fact, there was much more. Ronan wasn’t all darkness- he was beautiful birds, and misty forests, and golden-haired brothers, and kindness paired with unwavering loyalty. Even without the ability to take things from his dreams, Adam would’ve called him magic. 

 

For a long time, he didn’t say anything about Ronan’s feelings simply because he wasn’t ready to accept that he reciprocated them. Adam was curious, though, even when he refused to acknowledge his own feelings- he was curious about Ronan’s. As he lay awake at night, he would wonder-  _ Why me? _ He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it. Aside from cabeswater, what made him so special, so unique- that Ronan Lynch had fallen for him?

 

He spent so much time wondering why Ronan would have these feelings, that he didn’t notice he had them too, until all at once- Adam was struck by the closeness of their relationship. The way warmth bloomed in his chest when Ronan truly smiled. 

 

“Ronan?” Adam didn’t remember falling asleep, face down on the box he used as a desk, but his AP US history homework had drool and a strand of his hair on it. 

 

“Still here.” Ronan was sitting on Adam’s bed, his long legs criss-crossed, like a child. 

 

“How long have I been sleeping?” 

 

“Not long.” Ronan said, which was useless to Adam, because it meant he could’ve been sleeping for half an hour, or two. His stomach growled loudly- and Ronan arched an eyebrow. 

 

“Did all that sleeping make you hungry?” 

 

Adam rolled his eyes, but he didn’t mind the teasing, which was nearly affectionate at this point. “Whatever, Lynch.” 

 

“I finished the Latin homework.” Ronan never did his homework, so it was a surprise to hear that. He waved the completed sheet in Adam’s general direction, like it was proof- and Adam crossed the room to look at it. 

 

“Do you want a gold star or something?” Adam couldn’t find a single error, so he supposed Ronan deserved one, but that wasn’t the point. 

 

“Please.” Ronan said sarcastically. 

 

“If I had one,” Adam said. “I might give it to you.” 

 

“Thanks, Parrish, that’s touching.” 

 

“Hey,” Adam said, suddenly realizing how close they were sitting, how he could feel the heat of Ronan’s knee against his as they sat. “I had something I wanted to talk about with you.” 

 

“What,” Ronan asked. “Do you need me to haul some more rocks around for the ley line?” 

 

“No.” Adam said. “ It’s not that. Remember that time at the barns?” He swallowed his nerves, forced himself to keep going. “When you said you liked me?” 

 

“ _ You  _ said I liked you.” 

 

“Yeah, but I wasn’t wrong.” 

 

“No,” Ronan agreed, quieter now. “You weren’t.” 

 

“And that time I asked if you were thinking about me?” 

 

Ronan let out an exasperated huff, lying down on Adam’s bed so they were no longer eye to eye. “Why are you asking about this right now?” 

 

“Because,” There was a lump in Adam’s throat. “I think I feel the same way you do.” 

 

Ronan sat up again, not eagerly, but cautiously- like he had to watch Adam say it to believe it. Their eyes met.“How?” Echoing what Adam had asked Ronan, weeks and weeks ago. 

 

“I like you.” Adam said, unflinching, like it was that simple- like the way he felt about Ronan Lynch could be contained in that small, four-letter word. 

 

“How.” Ronan repeated, and Adam pressed one hand to the other boy’s chest, and through the thin fabric, he could feel Ronan’s beating heart. It was the heart that lost and broke and hurt, but always came back to loving. To healing. 

 

“Like this.” Adam said, and kissed Ronan. It was not like any kiss Adam had read of, or watched in a movie- but he didn’t want it to be. Why would he want anything but the soft slide of Ronan’s lips against his, or the gentle scrape of teeth over his lower lip? Why would he trade anything for this? Why would he want anything _other_ than this, now that he’d had it? Once, Adam had overheard a few of the men at the factory talking about their own escapades. “I swear to god,” A short, stubby man had said. “She kissed me, and I felt like my head was in the clouds.” Adam did not feel like his head was in the clouds. He felt like it was in the stars. 

 

Ronan broke away, breathing heavily, and Adam knew he probably mirrored him then- but suddenly, his stomach growled. Adam flushed red at the gurgling noise, and immediately dropped the hand from Ronan’s chest to cover his stomach, like that would make it any quieter. 

 

“I was going to offer to order you Pizza, Parrish.” Ronan’s smile was lazy and teasing. “But you  sort of distracted me over here.”

 

“Shut up.” Adam shoved Ronan, not hard, but enough to get his point across. “You loved being distracted.” 

 

“True,” Ronan conceded. “But I’m still ordering pizza.” 

**Author's Note:**

> lol, my first pynch fic so?? might be a little ooc but i did my best. i wrote this mostly bc i have a gIAnt crush on my friend, and she knows that i like her, and it's a mess so i transferred my gay feelings into this fic instead of stewing on them, you're welcome.


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